Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
