Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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