He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
