You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
