last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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