I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
