Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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