Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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