his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
