I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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