I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
