so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
