Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
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