today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
