the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
