I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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