I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
