I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
