it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
