Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
