Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
