i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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