I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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