He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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