my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
3pm strippers are depressing
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
