my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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