This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
