So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Randomize
