I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I miss vodka workout Fridays
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
