I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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