I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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