so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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