There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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