I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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