Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
