A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
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All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
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The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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