if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
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