I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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