I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
