I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
