3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
