2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
