Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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