We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
