As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
