I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
