I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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