the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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