I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
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You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
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Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize