Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
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On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
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There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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