I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
