I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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