He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
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