So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
