Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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