The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
