Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
